How To Tell People You Are Sad

  1. Wait for someone to ask you how you’re doing.
  2. Keep waiting while they talk about all their bullshit. 
  3. Listen, breath held, as when they finally ask how you are doing. This is your moment.
  4. Say “I’m okay. I’m…okay. ” If they press for a more genuine answer, stick with “okay.” IF THEY REALLY WANTED TO KNOW THEY WOULD ALREADY KNOW. 
  5. Write a social media post announcing that you are unhappy. Dramatically hover your cursor over the “post” button for several seconds before deleting it.
  6. Listen to the sort of music that would convey to all who know and love you that you’re not doing all right, but only listen to it via headphones while surrounded by strangers.
  7. Order the “meat lovers special” at your local pizzeria.
  8. Order only a salad at your local pizzeria.
  9. Look up the numbers of local therapists. Keep them open in browser tabs for several days, until you delete them by accident.
  10. Make eye contact with your mail carrier. 
  11. Used a shared Netflix account to finally delve into the “bleak dramas featuring a strong female lead” category they’re so convinced you’ll be into. 
  12. Pick up any phone in America and whisper the words “ISIS,” “bomb,” and “government.” Once you have the NSA’s attention, say “I am unhappy.” There. Now someone knows.

(If none of this horrible advice works for you and you’re in distress please reach out to a friend, a mental health professional, or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1‑800‑273‑TALK (8255) or chat with them online. It’s a shitty time but you are going to get through it.)


  1. Number 9 was totally me over the summer. I didn’t accidentally delete the tab, though. I put off calling the therapist for so long that I couldn’t remember why I thought I needed therapy in the first place. (This is a lie, obviously. But I still haven’t contacted the therapist …)

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