(This recap was originally published on March 29, 2014.)
Oh my God, I have missed you guys so much. And by “you guys,” I mean the characters, the actors, and most especially the fans, without whom this movie would never have come to be. I tried to promise myself that Facing the Enemy would be enough, that when it was done I could finally achieve some closure with this show, but apparently I am a big fat liar because I DON’T FEEL DONE AT ALL. DO YOU GUYS FEEL DONE?
Of course, this is partly a function of the fact that Bomb Girls could have a forty-six season run and we would still be entertained by Ali Liebert’s face, but partly I blame the mediocrity of the movie’s script. NOW HOLD YOUR HORSES, BEFORE YOU START SENDING ME PEN-BOMBS; I didn’t say the mediocrity of the movie. It’s obvious that the cast, crew, and director pumped as much love as they could muster into this thing. But the hired gun they brought on to write it (who, not incidentally, did not write a single episode of the actual show) tried to make a movie about Gladys the spy out of an ensemble show about friendship, and something crucial was lost in translation. Not to mention someone crucial. Okay, enough grousing. Let’s face our enemies and turn our backs to our friends. Wait.
So the movie’s “previously on Bomb Girls” really functions as “unexpectedly resurrected plotlines that you will need to remember to understand the movie.” It features:
– Gladys being recruited into His Majesty’s Secret Service by Clifford (it is surely a bad omen that the first words of the movie are spoken in his accent.)
-Eugene Corbett popping out of Lake Canada like the goddamn Loch Ness monster.
-Vera and Marco falling in luuuuurve.
-Betty’s attempt to kiss Kate (twist the knife, why don’t you.)
-Betty going to jail for Kate
The first shot of the movie proper is Gladys Witham-Hastings firing a pistol at Spy Camp.
She takes a moment between every shot to revel in her own perfection, like
God, I look fucking amazing right now.
If we had a mirror in this shooting range I would turn myself on. Like that scene in American Psycho, but instead it would be, like, Canadian Heroine.
I should totally sew that on a cape.
When she fires all her bullets, Clifford approaches her, his smarm undiminished by the passing of time.
He informs her that they will be leaving for her first real assignment in a matter of days.
Cut to: Victory Munitions, where Lorna Corbett (LORNA, HOW I’VE MISSED YOU) and Snaky Akins (UM, HI I GUESS) stage whisper to each other about just how swimmingly World War II is going. Not fooled at all are Marco, Vera, and Kate, who know for a fact that the bad guys are still winning. Also Marco and Vera are engaged now, which is good but it means that Vera will have to refocus her energies from saving the world through sex to some new hobby.
While outside the factory, we met a new redhead, who announces herself as Mrs. Helen Buchinsky, current wife to Ivan, Kate’s ex-fiance. She wastes no time at all in telling Kate that she thinks she is an ugly deviant who belongs in jail.