Humor

Obviously I Have Seen The Rain (and Other Popular Song Questions, Answered).

1.“Are You Gonna Be My Girl?” -Jet, 2003

No. As you have established elsewhere in the lyrics, I came with another man, and you yourself admit that you are unable to make much in the way of conversation before you “let me get away.” So not only is the answer a firm no, the question itself is pretty galling.

 

2. “Have You Ever Seen The Rain? (Coming down on a sunny day)” -Creedence Clearwater Revival, 1970

I mean, yeah, John. Most of us have even racked up a few rainbows. Is this a metaphor or are you just high?

3. “Where Is The Love?” -Black Eyed Peas, 2003

My guess is that “The Love,” much like the rest of us, is doing its utmost to be somewhere this song is not.

4. “Do You Love Me (Now That I Can Dance)” -The Contours, 1962

Yes. Even if all you did was sing this song and not dance I would love you, and furthermore dancing ability seems an arbitrary and cruel metric by which to assign affection.

5. The Various Questions Proposed by “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” -The Backstreet Boys, 1997

“Am I original?” -Well, we could get into what constitutes originality here, and try to define the concept of boy bands going all the way back to the Monkees, but let’s just go with: sure. All god’s creatures are original and you are original too.

“Am I the only one?” -No. Plainly, there are five of you.

“Am I sexual?” -Oh, Nick. Did you ask for this line or did the other boys bully you into taking it?

“Am I everything you need; you better rock your body now!” -This is not a question.

6. “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?” -Culture Club, 1982

Originally this seemed like a pretty straightforward “no,” but the more you talk about it, I kind of do now. Also, frankly, it does not seem like it would take much.

7. “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?” -The Beatles, 1968

Because of cars, Paul, and I think you know that.

8. “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” -Carole King, 1960

Carole, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but answer to that question depends largely on how things go tonight, so maybe quit pouting and get to business.

9. “Do You Know The Way To San Jose?” -Dionne Warwick, 1968

Do You Know That Google Maps Exists?

10. “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” Joe Jackson, 1979

Ugh, I know, right? We all just assume he has a secret trust fund or a really big dick.

11. “Are You Experienced?” Jimi Hendrix, 1967

Oh god, I mean, I want to say “yes” so you’ll think I’m cool, but I’m afraid of overcommitting myself and waking up tomorrow on a bare mattress, spooning a stranger who insists that his actual name is Lunchbox. But then if I say “no,” you’ll either just kick me out of the party or else interpret it as an invitation to make me experienced. Either way, this question feels like a lead-up to you telling me there is acid in my drink. There is, isn’t there.

12.“Who Let The Dogs Out?” – Baha Men, 2000

It was probably The Love. Who the fuck even knows what it gets up to when it’s off hiding from The Black Eyed Peas.

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