Previously on Wynonna Earp: The Widows have the third seal, Bobo del Ray is back from hell but nobody’s seen him just yet, and Waverly for some reason that I will never believe made a deal with a witch that erased Wynonna from existence.
We open NOT AT ALL where we left off last week. We’re at the Homestead, but instead of the usual steaming cups of coffee and complicated sisterly conversations about the bonds of family, we’ve mostly just got revenants. Right off the bat I am happy to report that Officer Nicole Haught is on her feet and shooting her guns and being the opposite of the bed-ridden prop she was last week. And Waverly is either dressed up for her wedding or just dressed up as Stevie Nicks on a casual trip to the grocery store. I’m comfortable with it either way.
Waverly and Nicole rush into the barn to get out of the revenant fray, and there they find Jeremy. There are some quick cuts and some minor exposition re: the saving of the day, and then the barn explodes. Thankfully we cut to credits before those awful Cult Firemen show up to explain explosions to the revenants.
You know who is right where he left off? Doc Holliday, that’s who. He’s down in the well, screaming for Wynonna, but at least in the short term things are not as bad as they seem. He’s got a cell phone, and a ladder, and a Henchman Stevie from last week’s episode waiting for him up top. In this reality, Doc went willingly down the well in search of his ring. Also in this reality, Doc is apparently the new Bobo. He’s running a revenant drug cartel out of the Earp homestead. The science is brought to us as always by Rosita, who is chained up in the barn and not too happy about it. At least for some dumb reason they gave her a gun to work out her aggressions by shooting a wanted poster of Doc Holliday himself.
Being the boss is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Doc, on account of having touched the trophy last week when the Iron Witch cast her spell, has retained all his memories of the real-times. He hears Rosita shooting her gun in the barn and naturally assumes it’s Wynonna. I am equal parts in love with Doc’s associating Wynonna with shooting and sad for Rosita that Doc will always think of Wynonna first. Rosita deserves better. (Maybe once we magic Mercedes’ face back on they can work something out between the two of them. Just a gentle suggestion, writers. Feel free to take it.) Anyway, Doc asks her “Why do I have you chained up?” and Rosita is like “Because you are an asshole, obviously.” Doc is like “By golly, I really AM an asshole!” and sets her free. I don’t really understand why this Doc is a crime boss? Doc never wants to be the boss of things. At his worst he’s an opportunist and probably a cheat, but he just doesn’t seem like the type to aspire to a management position. Also I call bullshit on him ever going back down into the well on purpose. But honestly I’m not real worried about it. This episode is fun.
At Black Badge, Mercedes is still being held captive. She’s in a tank in the middle of the room looking pretty rotten and putting on an excellent display of cartoon bad-guy bragging. Unfortunately, her performance is going unappreciated by her audience of one Deputy Marshal Xavier Dolls, who has reverted to his strictly business one-of-these-days-you’re-gonna-die-laughin’ pre-Wynonna self. Widow Mercedes is immune to the memory loss and she tries her damnedest to clue Dolls in just for the fun of it, but he hates fun. So he’s just like “I don’t remember why or how we captured you, but I am still very okay with torturing you, so…” I am so into watching Mercedes give fewer and fewer fucks the grosser she gets. At this point she’s rubbing her face wounds on things like a cat and spitting mouth rot all over the glass of her cage and singing lullabies about hell on earth just in the middle of conversations like it’s no big thing. There is just something about watching beautiful people commit to ugly. Dani Kind is a treasure.
When people ask about my ideal work environment from now on I will try very hard to describe this.
Her tour de force of being repulsive is interrupted by Doc, who has decided the best way to convince Dolls that they are all good buddies is to walk into Black Badge strapped with explosives. And I’m like, my guy, you know this exact behavior is what started this whole Widow business in the first place? Maybe you ought to learn a new trick?
Anyway, the whole dynamite thing turns out to not be a great call, because in this reality Doc has blown up a power plant, a lumber yard, and Nedley’s house? What on earth? Also he sliced up Dolls’ beautiful face, a crime against all of us to be sure. Doc literally says “I would never!” I agree, buddy, you really wouldn’t. But you did. He tries to make Dolls remember, and it looks for a second he might be making headway, but then Nicole sneaks up behind him and cold-cocks him. And even though I don’t really buy the Doc beats of this alternate timeline, there are a lot of things I like? Like I’m really happy that Nicole is part of the team, even if the team isn’t really the team anymore. She’s self assured (professionally, at least) and competent and nobody questions her judgement. And, RIP Nedley of course, but she’s the actual Sheriff and she wears that responsibility so well!
I also really like having Widow Mercedes in the background of scenes emoting about every dramatic development. She’s the best fish tank ever. Like for instance I wish they could have moved Mercedes’ tank to the Sheriff’s Office for this next scene where Waverly brings Nicole her lunch and Nicole looks at her with eyes the size of dinner plates and flirts by filling out paperwork and encourages her to get married even though obviously she’d rather not see that happen, but she’d say or do anything for Waverly Gibson. (Because in this reality, Waverly took Gus’ last name after her father was killed.) She’d even eat pickles, which she doesn’t like. And I sincerely hope that’s just an alternate reality detail, because pickles are perfect. Waverly and Nicole share a look, and boy oh boy I guess this episode is about soulmates.
“You need a form? Wow what a coincidence I love forms forms are my favorite.”
Maybe Tim Rozon and Dani Kind are actual in-real-life soulmates? Because Doc has been thrown in the tank with Mercedes and they are actually hissing at each other like cats, and it’s absolutely ridiculous, and their chemistry is perfect and what even is this show? Last week they had this whole big complicated plot and I was like “This episode could use some work” and this week it’s just “Two people would like to be let out of a fish tank” and I’m ready to start handing out Emmys.
I think Tim breaks character a little in this bit but I can’t blame him because it’s so great.
Oh hey, Waverly isn’t marrying Champ! She’s marrying Perry, that nice normal guy from the original Hockey Trophy episode. I like this detail because it makes it seem like the Trophy just conjured this reality really sloppily from stuff it knows. Champ wasn’t in that episode but Perry was, so Champ isn’t in this episode but Perry is. It also kind of explains why Doc’s role doesn’t make a ton of sense. The trophy was maybe just like “And, uh, right. Doc Holliday. He seemed like a dick I guess? I don’t really know I’m mostly here for the lady characters.” The point of this scene is to show us that Perry is still nice but obviously Waverly doesn’t have the chemistry with him that she has with Nicole. And also that Perry hired a private eye who found the guy who allegedly killed Waverly’s family. Kudos to you, Perry, that is a very Purgatory wedding gift.
The murderer is locked up in a padded room, and Waverly goes alone to visit him. And I’ve always thought Waverly had a little Spencer Hastings in her, but the outfit she wears to the mental institution is something straight off of Troian Bellisario’s Instagram and it is distracting in a good way. So Waverly, in her big giant hat, goes alone into this locked cell with a big old dude who she thinks killed her family. Always such a brave little toaster. And the dude is Bobo. His brief stay in hell has not treated him very well, I’ll you that much. He rants and raves and calls Waverly his angel, and honestly he gets very snuggly in a way that I would think whatever guards this hospital employs should probably have put a stop to. He speaks a lot of his lines in this scene directly into her crotch and also presses his ear to it like he’s expecting it to answer. (Or maybe like a young Me he has confused the words “crotch” and “conch” and is expecting to hear the sea?) He tells Waverly’s crotch that Wynonna is her sister. Waverly is mostly like “Okay bye.”
I’m really not exaggerating about this crotch-talk situation.
She goes home (or I guess to Shorty’s? But I think that is her home since she doesn’t live at the Homestead yet in this reality) and roots around in the attic looking for anything about a Wynonna, but she gets distracted when she finds a wedding dress.
Beth is at the burned out church trying to break the third seal but it won’t work without Mercedes. Magic looks so dorky when it doesn’t work. How embarrassing for Beth. She goes to Black Badge to bust out her sister, and she seems to be getting stronger at a proportionate rate to Mercedes getting weaker. Her venom breath shatters the glass of the tank, and when Jeremy and Doc try to shoot her, the bullets bounce off a forcefield and don’t even tickle her. The Widows escape, and Doc is left to convince Jeremy that something ain’t right in this timeline. He tells Jeremy he knows that he is a “vegetarian with ethics of steel” and says he needs “a hero.” And Jeremy (who is wearing his gun in a thigh holster that is definitely an attempt to look like Han Solo) is very ready to be that hero.
Is that even a real gun, Jeremy?
Waverly is trying on that wedding dress she found (which has a boob window, just for the record,) when she hears some rustling downstairs. It’s just Doc, come to try to win her over to the enlightened side. But some things never change, so he winds up on the business end of her shotgun. And there’s not enough time for him to talk her down before Dolls shows up, guns a-blazin’. (I guess Heroic Jeremy in this reality isn’t as good at standing up to Dolls.) It’s a whole big terrible mess. Doc shoots Dolls, thinking he would be wearing a vest because he always is, but this time he’s not and there’s a giant gout of blood. Doc rushes over to help him but Dolls shoots him right in the chest and it’s bloody and bad all over again. Dolls crawls out of the bar and Doc crawls to Waverly and dies in her arms after telling her about the Iron Witch and the trophy and Wynonna, and calling her “Baby Girl.” I teared up a bit right along with Waverly.
Always screencap Waverly with a shotgun, I don’t make the rules.
Dolls is bleeding out on the side of the road when Jeremy finds him. (Jeremy says “That’s a lot of blood for a shoulder wound” and Doc also thought it shouldn’t be a mortal wound. Does Dolls have some kind of shoulder-heart on account of being a Lizard?) Dolls tells Jeremy to “Locate the asset” and “complete the mission” and also seems to be starting to remember things just before he dies. The Asset in question is none other than my true love Rosita. What kind of asset is she? I don’t know! But Jeremy doesn’t know anything about the whole trophy situation so he thinks the space-time continuum issue is a Black Badge plot related to the drugs Rosita has been cooking up for Doc. And she believes it, because these two are science people and this is a (pretend for television) scientific explanation, and I like this bit. I like the Jeremy and Rosita dream team in general. They figure, if the drugs are causing people to hallucinate this alternate world, destroying the lab on the homestead is the best bet to start fixing whatever is broken.
After the gunfight, Waverly calls Nicole, not Perry. Not to report shots fired or anything wild and crazy like that, but just for a shoulder to cry on. She’s like “You’re so brave and I like you a lot, and also could you please abuse your police power to bring me to somebody called The Iron Witch?” And Nicole is like “Honestly I’m perfectly okay with that kind of thing at all times, but in this case it’s really not anything a phone book couldn’t take care of for you so I don’t even have to pretend to feel guilty about it.” Waverly is all “You’d do that for me?” And Nicole literally says “I’d do a lot of things TO you” but instead of being like “Wow that is an aggressive statement and a little scary coming from a police officer” Waverly is just like “Aw, you smell like donuts.”
So they go and find Gretta the Iron Witch, who only has one eye now for whatever reason. She’s like “Yeah, I cast this spell, and it totally backfired on me. Who ever could have known that making a blind deal with a magic entity might not work out as planned? At least I look hot in this eyepatch.” She casts a spell that reveals the real world for a minute or so, and Waverly remembers Wynonna, and remembers that this is her fault, and remembers loving Nicole. Nicole, for her part, is mostly hung up on that last thing. They realize they need to break the trophy to end the spell, but the trophy is on the homestead, and the only person who can maybe help them get there safely is Bobo.
“Hold on. How come everybody gets real clothes except me?”
Waverly goes to bust Bobo out of the asylum, and he says a curious thing which is that Waverly’s lineage “isn’t exactly pure,” which in the context of him thinking she’s trying to be the Heir sounds a little different than his earlier “You’re not even an Earp.” I don’t really know what’s happening on the Waverly’s parentage front. Bobo seems less and less like a candidate to be her father, though. But anyway. She breaks him out, and it’s really dorky. He whips his straitjacket sleeves at the guards and it looks like something out of a musical, and the he does his Terminator 2 impression all “I like your boots. I want your boots.” With the boots and a fur coat he is ready to bounce, blowing the doors off the hospital with his psychic how-you-do and catching a ride with Nicole out to the Homestead for the final act.
Bobo leads them to the pet cemetery where the charm from season one is buried. If they dig it up, no more revenants on the homestead. That plan is short lived because nobody brought a shovel and Bobo’s arrival has caused a bit of a stir with the revenants, so Waverly and Nicole make for the barn to get the trophy and skedaddle. And now we’re back to where the episode began. Shooting and hollering and fighting and rushing to the barn. (Waverly is still carrying the stick she was trying to dig up the talisman with. For some reason that cracked me up. Also she seems a lot less comfortable with the pistol she’s packing than she is with a shotgun.) In the barn, they find Jeremy and Rosita and a whole buttload of explosives wired all over the walls. Perry calls and Waverly picks it up even though all hell has broken loose, just as an excuse to let Waverly do her “I think I’m kinda gay” line. I’ll allow it, if only for Nicole’s adorable reaction shot.
Look upon this big ol’ barn full of queers and rejoice.
In the middle of all the commotion, the Widows (who failed again at breaking the final seal and realized the coffin had been moved and Bobo can help them find the new resting place) have been chasing Bobo across the homestead. Rosita sees them from inside the barn and rushes out to take them on, but dies a violent offscreen death for her troubles. Before she goes she’s like “BTW the trophy is under that wheelbarrow in this conveniently explodable barn, in case that matters.” (When Waverly upends the wheelbarrow there are really distracting CGI bugs crawling on the trophy, like, do you really have extra special effects money lying around for this?)
Waverly has a plan, and the plan is to explode and die. There are too many monsters outside for them to escape, and the only hope is to destroy the trophy. And maybe the explosion destroying the trophy will destroy the explosion itself in some kind of paradoxical science fiction kind of way that leaves everybody alive and well. Right? Nicole is all in on this romantic suicide pact, quoting the Book of Ruth to Waverly in her wedding dress like she’s saying her vows and like she knows the average odds of queer women surviving a television show even when they’re not actively trying to die. Jeremy is less easily swayed, but then he sees them kissing and we all know he’s a big softy so he stops fighting it. They push a button and the barn goes boom.
Hey, they lived! They’re looking a little sooty and a little fluffy, but otherwise none the worse for wear. I mean it took a whole alternate universe to get a story where only the queer characters survive, but I’ll take it! Nicole goes right back into her apologies that she’s been saying for the past couple weeks. Waverly goes right back into kissing her. Jeremy is like “I love that you guys are back together and all but we really need to find Wynonna and make sure all of our dead friends are not actually dead.”
We have been through a science ordeal.
The Widows and Bobo are definitely still alive. Bobo tells them he knows where Clootie’s coffin is. He says he never wants to go back to hell and Clootie can help him with that. The Widows are pretty whatev about his whole deal, but then he’s like “Accio The Third Seal!” and it flies into his hand and he crushes it like I crush walnuts in my imagination when I am imagining eating nuts in an intimidating way. I kind of hope Bobo’s whole deal is the same as Wynonna’s, that he wants to bring Clootie back for the purpose of ending the curse rather than for the purpose of making a deal with Clootie. But Ol’ Bobo is looking pretty wobbly in the mental state these days so I am not really comfortable predicting anything he might do right now.
Wynonna wakes up out in the same hay field that Bobo and the Widows are in. Like right there, honestly, I don’t know how the missed her. She sees them, and she finds the crumbled ring (seriously, she finds the tiny pieces of a ring in a giant hay field and they can’t spot an entire Wynonna?) She knows what’s coming. But that ain’t the only thing that’s coming, because it seems our Wynonna has just gone into labor.
Uh oh spaghettios.
This episode was the most blatantly Buffy inspired one to date, but somehow it felt exactly like itself the entire time. The characters we all back to themselves, even when they weren’t themselves. And the plot was largely back to functioning as an extension of the people involved, rather than seeming like a puppet master dragging them to places they wouldn’t go on their own. I’m feeling good and also very worried in a good way about the finale next week. Here’s hoping for a healthy baby and not-so-healthy Clootie, and for Purgatory’s first successful reverse face transplant.