Today, the world learned that Showtime is considering a sequel to the beloved and behated The L Word. Jennifer Beals, Leisha Hailey, and Kate Moennig are all “attached” with Ilene Chaiken set to produce, although, significantly, she will not run the show. Obviously, this news has thrown us all into an emotional tailspin in which we have questioned whether or not we are currently living in reality or some sort of Inception-style fever dream, so please join us to process as fast as we can. Here are our first flurry of reactions:
1. OH GOD NO.
2. OH GOD YES.
3. OH GOD I KNOW THIS IS A BAD IDEA BUT I AM POWERLESS TO RESIST IT BECAUSE OF MY OVERWHELMING GAYNESS. HELP HELP HELP.
4. Just don’t even address Jenny, or the events of season six (The Lost Season). We just move on as if the show ended after season five, as it should have in a kinder universe.
5. Get a bisexual character right, rather than slowly eroding the very concept over the seasons until it becomes a punchline.
6. Get a trans man right. (Just, everything the opposite of Max, please.)
7. Get a trans woman right! (Hint: you can’t do this without the collaboration of trans writers and actors.)
8. Obviously, explore the vast realms of queerness and gender identity that have opened up since The L Word went off the air.
9. But not, like, insufferably. It’s not homework. Just let folks be folks.
10. Hire me as a writer. Seriously, I am great at scripts and deeply qualified and very funny and I don’t care if everyone hates me; I have lots of practice.
11. Hire Roxane Gay as a writer. And Rhea Butcher and Cameron Esposito. Hire a huge, diverse writing room that is unafraid to fight and disagree and take risks.
12. Include poor queers! And disabled queers! We don’t have to prove to the world that lesbians can be shiny! They know that now! We need a whole new set of things from a show about queer women.
13. What if not Los Angeles?
14. Give Ilene Chaiken a fidget spinner and a camera with no film in it, and thank her for her years of service. (ILENE, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, WE’RE COOL, RIGHT? YOU CAN TAKE SOME GENTLE HUMOR? YOU’RE KNOWN FOR THAT?)
15. Carmen. Carmen or there is just no fucking point.
16. UPDATE: 3:13 p.m. What if Alice and Shane co-own a pot farm now? And they employ all the young queers and advise/seduce them? Is that anything?
This post will be updated as my feelings continue to evolve. Please share yours in the comment section.