Previously on Wynonna Earp: Lucado wanted a briefcase but mostly just got her face punched, Dolls is a dragon, Waverly got her hand chopped off temporarily, and Wynonna inherited Waverly’s demonic possession.
In a place I don’t recognize, a man is being dragged down a hallway, kicking and screaming, by a group of people dressed as plague doctors. They call themselves The Order, and say things like “The Beast shall be slaughtered!” and it’s all very embarrassing. The dude they’re dragging seems to be possessed by the same goo situation as Waverly; he goes all black eyes to tell these nerds that they are nerds, but they chop his head off before he can get any good zingers in. It’s really bloody and gooey and gross. The chattiest of the plague doctors takes off his mask and it’s that boy from Roswell and also a music video for a terrible U2 song, and I already hate him.
At the ranch, it is a beautiful morning. The birds are singing and the sun in shining and Wynonna is making a smoothie out of home fries, bacon, and an entire rat. It turns bright red but I think the base liquid was milk so I feel like it should have maybe been pinker? Anyway, it’s chunky and furry and she pours it into a glass and basically do not watch this scene if you are hungover, is a tip from me to you. Waverly is tied to a chair and does not want any rat drink. She does want to know why the demon had her collecting spoons and bells and cocktail shakers, but Wynonna is only interested in being mean right now. Waverly tries to break through to the real Wynonna to pep talk her into fighting the thing, but the goo is strong in this one and she gets real close and starts threatening everything Waverly holds dear, and I am distracted by how cute Melanie Scrofano’s nose is. She tries to hacksaw Waverly’s neck, but Real Wynonna stops her and she settles for just shoving dishrag in Waverly’s mouth and heading off to work with Doc.
Her nose though. So evil and so cute!
Doc has a new car and new pants. Wynonna is more interested in the pants today. She is aggressively flirty, and Doc can obviously tell something is up but at the same time he doesn’t seem to mind the attention. Wynonna explains away both her strange behavior and Waverly’s absence by saying they have been drinking all night and Waverly is too hungover for detective work today. They have this conversation in the front yard, and the whole time it’s happening Waverly is inside trying to make enough noise to get Doc’s attention. She knocks stuff around and grunts and wiggles in her chair and I can’t help but notice that the dishtowel is barely even in her mouth and she definitely could have spit it out to call for help. She doesn’t think of that though. Instead she just tips her chair over, which seems like a worse plan, but Waverly has more experience than I do at being tied to chairs so maybe she knows something I don’t.
A thing I forgot to mention last week, what with all the demon possession and fire breathing, is that the briefcase everybody was fighting over contained nothing but a commemorative plate for the “Purgatory Fair, 1952.” Doc and Wynonna have brought that plate into Black Badge to have Jeremy take a look, and also a lick. He’s like “This paint doesn’t taste like lead!” which is some curious knowledge to have but also suggests the paint was added later than the 1952 date would suggest. Shouldn’t there be some kind of glaze over the paint though? Like, if you can taste the paint, it shouldn’t be on a plate at all because it will get into your food? In 1952 did they paint with lead paint onto plates to punish people for eating off of collectors’ items? Jeremy cannot answer any of these questions for me, but he can do some kind of laser science to show that underneath the paint is an etching of axes and some kind of fishbird and the words “Praesidium et Conservatio” which means “Protection and Preservation”. Wynonna recognizes it as the same insignia that’s on the local firehouse. Doc wants to go check it out but Wynonna wants to continue eating an entire box of donuts and listening to the weather report. Doc is like “Remember when your sister got her hand cut off about this?” and Wynonna is just like “Fiiiiine, whatever.”
She even looks good with a mouthful of donut.
On her way out, Wynonna stops into the Sheriff’s office for reasons I’m not real clear on. She fixes her boobs at Nicole all “My bra fit yesterday, wtf” and Nicole is like “I only have eyes for your sister’s boobs right now, thank you very much.” Nicole is NOT WEARING KHAKIS I am so happy to report. She also has her shirt zipped down as far as it will go like she just knew that Wynonna was gonna walk in looking to have a boob fight. Anyway. She’s like “Have you seen Waverly?” and Wynonna is like “Waverly hates you, leave her alone, you’re boring and she’s better than you.” All kinds of mean things. Nicole is hurt, but it’s also not her first time being bullied by Wynonna Earp, so she tells her to sober up and stop being terrible, and then I guess runs to the bathroom to have a cry and to leave Waverly more voicemails. While Goo Wynonna was being horrible, Actual Wynonna was trying to fight her and was writing the word “possessed”, but Nicole left before she could see it. Even so, Goo Wynonna punishes her insolence by stabbing the pen right through her hand, and then instead of just pulling the pen out, she pulls her hand all the way up the pen, which somehow is the worst thing and it gave me that nails on a chalkboard feeling all over.
Why am I friends with these people?
So I guess Waverly did figure out how to spit out the dishtowel after she tipped her chair over. She’s lying on the kitchen floor and hears somebody come in and is equal parts “Help!” and “I’m armed and dangerous!” Lucky for her it’s just Dolls. He sets her back upright but instead of untying her he points his gun at her and is like “The Power of Christ compels you!” but Waverly is like “Not really. And anyway, Wynonna is the possessed one now.” Dolls asks her a few questions to prove she’s really herself, and she clearly is, and then he sits down and they’re both like “So. We are pretty fucked, huh?”
Waverly tries to describe being possessed, that it was mostly blackouts but also sort of a hivemind thing. Becoming “legion.” Dolls knows something about it. He says the Black Badge calls them “Passengers.” He asks Waverly what the demon wanted, but she was using all her strength to fight it. Dolls is so proud and amazed by her. He’s like “You fought this thing off for seven whole weeks you brave beautiful girl?” I love these two. Everybody on this show is just so good. But then Lucado busts in with her gun all “I heard a heartwarming conversation so I decided to ruin it!”
She and Dolls have one heck of a wrestling match. It’s pretty hot. Like, is Lucado a lizard person too? She seems so strong! They throw each other through walls and break bannisters and punch each other and eventually lock in some kind of knife stalemate, but by then Waverly has broken free from the chair and grabbed her favorite shotgun and pretty much makes them both apologize and tells them to direct their fighting energy towards the whole Wynonna-Is-Possessed situation.
That situation is currently playing out at the diner, where Wynonna is eating pancakes with every condiment and trying to talk Doc into playing hookie for the day and just banging instead of working. He’s looking at her like she is the actual sun, for which I cannot blame him because she really is extra beautiful in this scene, and seems to be maybe considering it for second, but then the waitress comes over to tell Wynonna that unfortunately there are “no refills for pancakes”, and Wynonna pretty much tells her to go fuck herself. Doc correctly decides it’s probably time to go and no longer wants to bang, because being rude to waitstaff is trashy and never okay and is a total bonerkill.
She’s radiant! And hot sauce on pancakes? INGENIOUS.
They go to the firehouse and Wynonna is immediately twitchy and saying things like “Too many of us have met our end here.” The main Fireboy, whose name is Ewan, is a smarmy douche. I wasn’t even really listening to his words, I can just tell that I really don’t like him. Wynonna tells him “Horrible deeds have been committed here” and he’s like “Well, ACTUALLY, we consider ourselves the good guys, so…” Like, buddy. You and your grown-ass white men friends parade around in robes and hoods at night doling out secret “justice”? That doesn’t scream “good” to me, is all I’m saying. He obviously can tell Wynonna is possessed, which he expresses by saying things like “those who walk in sin” and “have you done bad things?” which are again totally the kinds of things good guys say all the time, I’m just so sure. Wynonna pulls a knife and once again it’s up to Doc to defuse the situation and get her out of there. He takes her outside and is like “Funny how you pulled a knife on those guys just for being annoying. I’m actually pretty okay with that in theory, but concerned because normally you would have pulled out Peacemaker. Also, you drink your coffee black, DEMON!” And then he shoves her in the trunk of his car.
Cut to Doc and Dolls wrestling a SUPER possessed Wynonna through the sheriff’s office and into a jail cell. Doc wants to maybe go to Black Badge for some help because this is a little beyond his pay grade, but Dolls is a fugitive and Black Badge has basically ghosted Lucado at this point, so they don’t really have any options. Lucado is like “Well, it might help if we had some goo,” and sends Doc and Waverly out to the arch to see if they can find any. But once they’re gone, Lucado and Dolls switch to all-business mode, and I like seeing them like this. They are on the same page and suddenly you really feel their history together. Dolls has seen this thing before. He thinks it followed him here. It’s called Mikshun, and it could potentially spread and possess a lot more people. They need proof, for some reason that I don’t really understand, and I guess that proof is going to be fingers because Dolls picks up a pair of pruning shears and if television has taught me anything it is that pruning shears are for cutting off fingers.
And that, Lucado, is how you do the hokey pokey.
Back at the firehouse, Ewan is doing some weightlifting and trying to act too cool for Juan Carlo, who is like “Maybe killing the Earp heir is a stupid idea and you could try something else?” Ewan is very self-important and is just like “Well, first of all, girls have cooties. But I will take this under advisement, and then of course do the exact opposite of your advice because I am the boss around here.”
Dolls goes to Wynonna’s cell, and she tries to flirt with him like demons always do. Like, is anybody really so desperate to bone their friends that a demon in their body being all “Set me free to do atrocities and we can have ourselves a nooner” would be at all tempting? Dolls is not so desperate, I am happy to say. He grabs her hand to cut off her finger, because of course it’s the finger, and Wynonna is begging him not to but her eyes are black and it’s clearly the demon but also it’s effective because cutting a person’s finger off seems like a not very fun thing to do and then when that person is your friend and they are crying? Demon or no, i get it. But then the real Wynonna fights through for a second and is just steely eyed and tells him to do it, so he does it, and we aren’t even at the goriest scene in the episode yet!
Waverly and Doc are having a clumsy walk in the snow to look for goo, and they are cute and good friends and I love them, and then Juan Carlo shows up to tell them that the firemen are probably going to kill Wynonna, but that they like plates a lot so maybe try giving them that one plate they found.
At Black Badge, Lucado tries to convince Dolls that they should just bring Wynonna to Black Badge Headquarters so Black Badge will love them again, but Dolls obviously isn’t having any of that. He tells her to do her science on the finger he brought her, or else. So she does. The science is that she puts the finger over a bunsen burner and it bleeds goo, and the goo whispers and sings insecurities at her, and things go bad very quickly. Dolls is like “Your actual catchphrase this entire season is ‘Don’t touch the goo!’ Don’t you dare go out so ironically!” but Lucado says “If Black Badge won’t have me, I don’t want to be alone” and she touches it, and I’m actually so sad? Because she could have had such a team here! She could have had the most loyal friends and allies and she would have never been alone. But now there is no Lucado, only Goocado, and she is legion. And then she fights it and tells Dolls to run and her HEAD EXPLODES. It explodes in a shower of black goo and red head-parts, and I can’t even really enjoy the glory of an exploding head which is one of my actual favorite things because I am too heartbroken about losing another glorious rude girl. First Tamsin, then Mercedes (although I am still holding out foolish hope that she will be restored somehow?) and now Lucado. And all of them gone too soon due to injuries to their beautiful faces.
RIP Lucado. At least you got to hear Waverly sing that one time.
Waverly and Doc get back to find Dolls doing cleanup and decontamination around Lucado’s headless corpse which is a pretty extreme version of dusting around the picture frames. Waverly is like “Dolls! You DIDN’T.” And he’s like “What? No!” And that was a little insensitive of Waverly considering how hurt she was last week when Wynonna accused her of killing somebody, if you ask me. Dolls just shrugs it off, and, in lieu of explaining where Lucado got the goo from, he shows them his own science. He’s like “I read in my gardening book that if you drink three herbs, demons will think your body is dead! Sadly, I don’t own a container of any kind, so this plan will never work.” But Doc saves the day by chugging his entire flask and handing it over. Such a proud sweet boy. Waverly is like “Okay but then what?” The boys just figure they’ll shoot it a bunch of times with their normal, not-magic guns.
Waverly leaves them to their mixology and visits Wynonna, who skips the small talk and goes straight for the gut by being mean about Nicole. It’s very interesting to me that the demon mostly preys on insecurities, telling Lucado she’ll always be alone and Nicole that Waverly doesn’t love her back, trying to seduce the men who both believe she loves somebody else more than them, but when it talks to Waverly it talks about power and tells her that she deserves more. Maybe it’s just because it knows first hand how strong she is, but the demon speaks to her like an equal. Anyway. Waverly begs Wynonna to fight it, and tells her that she can’t save her. But she realizes that Wynonna can save her, with Peacemaker. So she presses the gun to Wynonna’s face until the demon sizzles out of her and back into Waverly.
What once was smooched can never be unsmooched.
Waverly is walking out as Doc and Dolls are walking in, and they point their guns but Wynonna tells them that Waverly took the demon back, but that now she knows the plan and they know how to stop it.
I like how quickly these characters trust each other, and how well they know each other. Doc knew Wynonna was possessed before even knowing there was a possession going around, Dolls knew Waverly was telling the truth when she said she wasn’t possessed anymore, and both Doc and Dolls believed Wynonna immediately too. I like that it never turned into a twisted knot of “Who can we trust?” because they really do trust each other. It’s so nice. I love what a team they are.
Back at the homestead, the fireboys are watching with night vision goggles when Waverly gets home and heads for the barn. Ewan is like “That girl is possessed. Tonight, we murder a woman. For the greater good!” And it’s so dorky, and all these boys in their dumb costumes with their chanting, it’s so embarrassing.
Waverly goes into the barn to admire her silverware but finds Nicole already there. Nicole is like “Babe, don’t break up with me for asking, but, like, why is your house destroyed and why are you building a lightning rod in your barn?” The answer to the lightning rod thing, not that Waverly tells Nicole or anything, is that apparently getting hit by lighting will fuse the demon to her permanently, which will allow her to spread it to other people in a big gooey demon plague. All Waverly tells Nicole though is that Wynonna is the possessed one and she’s bad and scary and coming to hurt them.
The fireboys are outside the barn pouring holy water everywhere when Wynonna and the good boys show up. She’s like “You are so fucking dorky, can you just stop?” And Ewan is like “Um, ACTUALLY, you are possessed, so…” She smacks a dude with Peacemaker and chugs holy water until he’s like “Okay I get it.” but he still won’t let them into the barn to deal with Waverly. Somehow Waverly and Nicole don’t hear any of this, by the way, even though it’s right outside the barn they are standing in. And also, if all these dudes want to do is kill Waverly with their axes, why didn’t they just go in and do it instead of all this holy water and chanting nonsense? Anyway Doc is like “I brought you one commemorative plate.” And Ewan tries to act too cool for plates but really he is so into it, and he lets Wynonna go into the barn.
I can’t beat you in a boob fight, but in a gunfight I think I’ll do okay.
Inside, Nicole is standing between Waverly and Wynonna, while Waverly keeps a hold on the lightning rod and acts like a victim. Wynonna tries to convince Nicole that Waverly is possessed, but she wants really hard for that not to be true so she keeps her gun aimed at Wynonna and is like “I’m sorry but I don’t know you well enough yet to know whether you are possessed” and then Waverly is like “SHOOT HER” and Nicole is like “Okay I definitely know you well enough to know that YOU are possessed.” And Nicole pleads with her to fight but Waverly just throws her into a pile of bowls that were I guess not good enough to be a part of the lightning rod.
Wynonna tries to reason with her, tries to make her fight hard enough to drink the potion, but Waverly can’t. But she does know how to make it work, which is, “Remember when you made me drink grape soda until it came out my nose?” And Wynonna’s eye’s go big so fast and it’s perfect comedic timing, and then she punches Waverly in the gut and throws her on the ground, straddles her and pours the potion down her throat then holds her mouth shut like when you’re trying to make a cat eat a pill, and it works, so from now on when my cat needs to take pills I know who to call. Waverly sits up and projectile vomits twice her bodyweight in black goo and one giant leech, which Wynonna then shoots to hell with her trusty Peacemaker. Nicole goes to Waverly and tells her “I would shoot anybody for you,” which Waverly interprets as romantic but for me that is a terrifying and on-the-nose thing to hear coming from a police officer. Wynonna and Nicole help Waverly to her feet, and they have a funny moment, and the fireboys go back to their firehouse, and all is well for at least an entire ten seconds.
Maybe somebody wanna dismantle that lightning rod before you go?
There are a couple quick scenes here to clean things up. Dolls goes to Black Badge and tells Jeremy that Lucado is dead, and Jeremy one-ups him by telling him that Black Badge has completely disappeared. And Wynonna goes to the firehouse to find out exactly who these The Order nerds are supposed to be. Ewan says cool things like “I don’t do apologies” and “Willa was the rightful heir” and Wynonna is just like “Well, you guys suck at your jobs. Peace.”
Finally, the real end of the episode. Wynonna gets home from giving the firemen wedgies to find Waverly sitting on the stairs with a paper bag in her lap. She tells Wynonna that, the second time she was possessed, the demon told her things. Wynonna is like “So now you know all my secrets” and I don’t know what secrets she’s talking about but even though she says it like a joke, she looks so broken like she expects Waverly to disown her, and that doesn’t bode well. But whatever secrets those are, they aren’t the one Waverly is talking about, which is that the demon didn’t find Wynonna’s body to be a perfect fit, because it was already too crowded, because she is pregnant.
This is a storyline that was added because Melanie Scrofano was pregnant in real life during filming, to which I say a heartfelt congratulations. And I understand that real life is more important that TV shows, and I am glad the show and the network were willing and able to work with her and adapt and everybody was taken care of and everything is good in real life. But man oh man I am wary of this plotline. I don’t know if this is a mystical pregnancy or the result of a Doc Holliday dalliance, but it feels a little off from the usual storytelling and tone of the show, and it just makes me uncomfortable. Like, we just did possession, and right now this pregnancy feels like almost another possession? And I hate to see pregnancy in stories where it is treated like punishment for being a woman in the first place. I just got done being mad at Pretty Little Liars for this shit. And honestly a pregnant superhero is an awesome idea, but I would want that to be a superhero who actually wanted to get pregnant, you know? I am worried. But I’m just going to try to trust this storytelling team and this cast to make this into something that doesn’t gross me out and make me furious. They’ve been so good so far, especially this season, and I want to believe they will keep being so good.