Humor

How I Imagine Couples Decide To Have Babies

(I have the greatest respect for parents like I have the greatest respect for astronauts because to me it seems terrifying and I cannot relate to wanting to do it at all.)

Partner 1: *Gestures vaguely* You know, this is great and everything, but what would make it better is–

Partner 2: If someone were to vomit on it?

Partner 1: If someone were to vomit on it.

***

Partner 1: I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS NO ONE SCREAMS AT ME ENOUGH.

***

Partner 1: If we don’t do it, there will be no one to condescend to us in our own age.

Partner 2: Yes, I don’t want to miss out on someone exasperatedly snatching the iPhone 57 out of my hands when I can’t figure out how to set the clock on it.

***

Partner 1: I just want someone to be really devastated when I go, you know?

Partner 2: Oh yes. I’d hate to grow old and die without an audience.

***

Partner 1: Well, the jig is up. We’ve been banned from Chuck E Cheese.

***

Partner 2: This may be my only chance to do something better than Gwyneth Paltrow.

***

*A break in the conversation lasting longer than fifteen seconds.*

Partner 1: THIS IS TERRIFYING I NEVER WANT TO EXPERIENCE THIS AGAIN FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS.

Partner 2: AT MINIMUM. BEST CASE SCENARIO IT’S A FUCKUP AND NEVER LEAVES.

***

Partner 1: Ugh we have too much money it’s disgusting.

***

Partner 1: Oh my god I saw the cutest video of a lion cub. We have to get one.

 

Partner 2: A lion cub? Aren’t they dangerous?

Partner 1: No, in the video it was sleeping.

Partner 2: You want to get a lion cub on the basis of a video in which it was sleeping?

Partner 1: As I understand it, they sleep quite a lot.

Partner 2: Well in that case.

Partner 1: Plus there are accessories. I saw a set of lion cub shoes in a store and was just destroyed by them. They were patent leather, for if it was like a fancy little gentleman lion cub.

Partner 2: Well, lion cubs are illegal.

1 Comment

  1. This is a comment. If it included an ad hominem attack on the author or other community members, made disparaging generalizations about minority groups, or suggested that hot coca ought to be made with water, rather than milk, it would be moderated into oblivion.

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