Film Humor

Everything I Need From The Inevitable Donald Trump Biopic

First of all, obviously, this movie will not be about Donald Trump because there is no Donald Trump in any spritual way, just a bloviating emptiness bound together by spray-tan and cholesterol. The movie will be about the Trump family, because therein lies a Shakespearean drama the likes of which will make for a movie so good, it will be worth living through the next four years just to see it.

Director

Look, you can count on Oliver Stone, who gave us Nixon, Two Truths And A Lie About The Kennedy Assassination, and W.: A War Criminal But Relatable, to have already got a jump start on this movie. BUT WE MUSN’T LET HIM HAVE IT, PRECIOUS. Not Scorsese either. No man who can recognize even the smallest shred of himself in a power-mad narcissist should be allowed to touch this project (which rules out most male directors).

Casting

Donald: Even though Alec Baldwin deserves credit for being fully monstrous and repellent in his Trump impression, he will not be invited to this project because he is… *squints at cue card* an asshole. My next choice would be Bryan Cranston, BUT ONLY IF HE GAINS THE WEIGHT. One cannot fully embody Donald Trump without including the quivering jowls, still holding years-old morsels of unmasticated steak. Ben Affleck is also in the running, as someone who has clearly gazed deeply in the void, but only if you get him on enough coke that he forgets to hate himself.

Melania: Honestly just a balloon painted with two squinting eyes will serve just fine. This will be a small role and there is no use digging a well in the desert.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner: Trump’s preternaturally attractive daughter and son-in-law are sure to be coveted roles, with actors clawing each other’s eyes out to play some of the greatest villians in political history. My top pick for Kushner is The Flash‘s Grant Gustin, because he has that charming, inoffensive face, but we know from Glee that he can turn FULL EVIL faster than you can say “666 Fifth Avenue .” For Ivanka–who is clearly always torn between a horrible knowledge of just what her father is and a terrible helpless love for him–Sophie Turner is the only choice. Game of Thrones has taught her well how to play characters who are at once victims of male abusers and unquestioning believers in their own royal entitlement.

Don Jr: Jonah Hill. This will of course be the comic relief role, and should feature as much comical flatulence as running time will allow for.

Eric: An albino rabbit rescued from a lab. (The kind where you are like “Hm I thought I was doing a good deed but there is clearly quite a lot wrong with you.”)

Hillary: Meryl.

Tiffany: And of course, there is Tiffany, the unlikely heroin of this whole saga. Best as I can tell, the central arc of this film will be the story of how Tiffany bravely broke ranks with her family to expose their villainy, got in that tragic, yet glorious fistfight with Ivanka on the roof of Trump tower, and then quietly left the public sphere to work at a Claire’s in Tampa. This is Tiffany’s story, really. You just can’t cast this one ahead of time, because it will depend entirely on which Disney Channel star is farthest in her post-meltdown journey to redemption, but I am preemptively very excited for it.

Of course, we must account for the historical events that might affect this movie’s reception. In the worst case scenario, we watch it played out in front of a campfire as we take refuge from the nuclear winter, waggling our new appendages in lieu of applause. In the best case scenario, Trump scribbles criticisms of it on gently used toilet paper, since he is not allowed to tweet in prison. The film is nominated for every award at the Oscars, but goes on to lose them all to Michelle!, a musical based on the life of our then-sitting president.

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